Tonight I realized that I will most likely be forever alone when it comes to romantic relationships. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. It really just means that I have realized what I want for both my love life and my life in general. Of course, this could change. This could be a product of unsettled emotions or random hormone misfiring, but something about it feels right. I’ll try to explain what I want, though I don’t think I could possibly explain the reasons.
Since I was a kid, I’ve always had some idea about where I wanted to go with my life. At age six, I knew that I was going to be an author. By the time I reached high school, this dream had morphed a bit to a desire to work in journalism. Through pursuing that goal, I realized that while I love writing to the core of my soul, I am truly an editor at heart. Which brings me to today. I am graduating from university in May, and afterwards, I plan to move to Chicago. No particular reason for that area really. It just feels right, and I’ve never been there. The goal is to land an internship with a publishing house and work my way into the field from there after gaining some experience.
Aside from my career aspirations, I have always wanted to travel. I began learning French at age 12 with a French-English dictionary and a copy of La Dame aux Camèlias by Alexandre Dumas, fils. Ten years later, I’m still not really fluent, but I can read just about anything you put in front of me. My point is, once I set my mind on something, no matter what it is, I somehow manage to pursue it, and often, it leads me to a slightly different path than I expected, but in the end, it is just what I wanted all along. These are just a couple of specific examples for an over-arching theme in my life.
For the longest time, I thought that these goals and dreams of mine were only achievable if I weren’t tied down to another person. I think that at least in part sabotaged my first serious relationship. I thought that I had to do all of the wonderful things I dreamed about on my own as a strong, independent woman. I thought that I couldn’t travel or pursue the career I wanted with another person in tow. In a relationship, you have to consider their desires, too. And in college where everything is so unsettled anyway, it seemed impossible to build a future with someone else. They would only hold me back.
To some extent, this was true of my most recent relationship. I was willing to wait another two or three years for him to finish school before chasing my dream of working in publishing outside of my home state. So silly being only 22, right? I thought so right after the breakup. But in the midst of it, the idea made perfect sense. I now know why.
It’s because I don’t want to chase my dreams alone. I will, of course. But I would rather have someone beside me. I want a companion. A partner. A friend once said (while highly intoxicated) that when in a relationship, both people have to want the same things. For him, he could never date someone who is set against having children ever because that’s something important to him. To each their own, I guess. Anyway, I think he’s right about the first thing.
I want someone who wants the same things that I do. I want someone who wants to travel and believes that my career is important. But I don’t just want an admirer who will sit back and follow me around the world. I want a real partner who will help choose the direction our lives take together.
Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic lost in a fantasy. Maybe that type of relationship doesn’t actually exist in this era. And that’s why I am sort of accepting that I might be forever alone in a romantic sense. Because I won’t settle for anything else. I’m only 22; I’m still quite young. I have so much ahead of me, but I don’t think it’s wrong to want to share it with someone else. Why do I have to be established in my career, etc., before finding that person?
Of course, it’s also possible that a year or two from now (or even a month or so) I will look back at this post and laugh at my naivete. It wouldn’t be the first time.