Note: This piece was written for a Comedy and Satire writing class. It reveals my frustrations of searching for an entry-level position in a world that is increasingly valuing experience over the now expected college degree. I’m sure there are many people who can relate even if you think my writing is bullocks.
Entry-Level Jobs Listings
After four grueling years of higher education, I am so ready to get a real job. I mean, I have a real job. I work in retail. But I mean a real-life, grown-up, full-time with benefits, job in a field that I have been studying for a degree in for the past four years. Thus, the job hunt begins. I have eagerly scrolled through the pages of job listings on jobsthatareonlyforyourdegree.com, jobsthatdontfityourdegree.com, jobsthatdontfitanyonesdegree.com, and finally, out of rising desperation, everyjoblistingontheplanet.com. For those of you seeking employment straight out of college, perhaps you will be right for some of these positions, which I have passed up for one reason or another:
Just Like Mama’s, Inc.
• About us: We are a fast-growing company looking for an experienced individual to help expand from Mama June’s kitchen in Backwoods, Indiana to the global market.
• Position: Global Modernization Coordinator
• Duties/Responsibilities: Teach us how to sell our product to more than one company. Open communication with various grocery-selling companies. Organize business meetings. Conduct business meetings. Explain how Excel works. Explain how the Internet works. Handle phone calls.
• Experience Required: Master’s degree in Business is preferred but negotiable. 5+ years of experience in the global food market helpful. Knowledge of computers necessary.
• To apply: Call at 455-555-9111 as we are unsure how to check e-mail.
• Smith-Fullton is a prestigious company entering its fifth year of existence. Our team consists of hard-working, inclusive individuals with a strong desire to further this company at the expense of their own lives, comfort, and sense of safety in the workplace. If you like the idea of working for a cause higher than thyself while wearing low-cut business casual, apply today!
• Position: Executive Fact-Checking Assistant
• Duties/Responsibilities: Preparing manuscripts of varying lengths and topics for publication by thoroughly fact-checking details marked as suspect by the Sub-Executive Fact-Checking Assistant to the Assistant. Re-writing dubious facts for a more correct appearance. Making all changes via both hard-copy and electronic copy. Communicating with the Executive Fact Checker about potentially devastating inaccurate fact issues. Spotting utter bullshit in a manuscript within five seconds of scanning the pages. Working across departments with legal, marketing, and sales.
• Qualifications: A bachelor’s degree in English, Journalism, Physics, or similar is preferred. 15+ years of fact-checking, proofreading, editing, or similar is required. It is preferred that the candidate be under the age of 30 and an attractive blonde.
• Compensation: 20k per year plus health benefits and two days of vacation per year. 401k negotiable.
• To apply: Submit resume and cover letter to email@example.com. Also, five letters of recommendation from previous employers, professors, or gynecologists is encouraged.
Global Communications, Inc.
• Position: Marketing Managerial Consultant
• About: You don’t know us. We don’t know you. Send us your resume, and if you seem like a good fit, we’ll call you. Otherwise, you’ll never know.
New Times Central Review
• Position: Freelance Copyeditor
• Duties/Responsibilities: Utilizing the highest standards of journalistic integrity and moral editing to provide clean edited copy of sub-par articles for publication. In-depth editing of articles of varying types, lengths, and writing ability. Some proofreading and light editing when under a five minute deadline. Researching certain aspects of articles in case of journalistic indecency. Communicating with a freelance handler to organize deadlines and assignments. Occasionally re-writing articles in their entirety when the journalist turns out to be utter rubbish at his profession.
• Qualifications: Bachelor’s degree in journalism, English, or similar. Or equal level of experience to make up for the lack of student debt. 10+ years of specifically freelance experience required. Working for another company for an equal amount of time is not acceptable to meet the requirement. Extensive knowledge of AP Style to be proven with an editing test upon consideration for the position. Friendship with at least one of the five people involved with hiring decisions is also a must.
• Compensation: TBD based on experience level and level of friendship with hiring manager (Jackie).
• To apply: Send resume, cover letter, and ten samples of previously edited works to Jackie@newtimescentral.com
Westminster Brewer’s Association
• Position: Sr. Taste-Tester
• Position Description: At Westminster, we brew only the finest beer available on today’s market. Unfortunately, due to the tenuous nature of the brewing process, we can only know this based on the experienced taste buds of an outside source. This position requires an individual of refined taste to sample multiple brews, sometimes within the same hour. The individual must be able to give a lengthy description of the “goodness” of each brew including specific flavors noticeable and amount of intoxication present after the first sample.
• Requirements: Must be 21 years of age or older unless applying for the position at one of our breweries outside of the U.S. or New Zealand. No tasting experience required, we will train you. However, experience with alcohol in general is a plus, and being able to pass a field sobriety test on demand during tasting is essential.
• Compensation: a six-pack of your choice per day and a weekly stipend of $100.
• To apply: Submit letter of interest on whichever job search site you found this listing.
There you have it. This is just a small compilation, but I feel it representative of the wonderful myriad job opportunities available to college graduates. I am certain that within a short time, I will have enough job offers that I can choose where I want to live and demand any salary.
Update: Two months after writing this post, I received my degree summa cum laude with no job offers. Six months later, I am a proud Shift Lead for McGreasy’s, and I make $9 an hour. That’s a whole $1.75 above minimum wage! With this, I can almost make my student loan payment nearly every month. Lovin’ it!