“I like too many things, and I get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till I drop.”
-Jack Kerouac, On the Road
I have been fascinated by this quote since the first (and only) time I read this book my junior year of high school. Years later, it is the only thing I remember about that novel. I wasn’t really a fan. But this quote so perfectly described me then, and it does now, too.
My undergraduate graduation is less than a month away now, and two months after that, the lease will be up on my apartment. If it weren’t for this second deadline, I don’t think I would be as stressed about what I plan to do for the future. Six months ago, I was dead set on moving to Chicago immediately after graduation. Some plan about getting an internship in publishing and transferring stores to work part-time with my current company. Anyway, I don’t know when exactly I decided that wasn’t for me, but now I know for fairly certain that Chicago is out.
However, due to this mindset, my roommate has known since we moved into this apartment in November that after the lease expired he would need to find his own place. I could tell him never mind, let’s just renew and stay another six months while I figure out what the hell I’m doing with my life. But something tells me that I really need to live on my own. I think it’s the constant pile of dirty dishes in the sink. Or maybe the fact that on days when I come home and don’t want to talk to anyone, I have to get fast food because his nearly permanent location in the living room obstructs my route to the kitchen.
Anyway, I do want to live on my own. Unfortunately, that costs more than living with someone. And even more unfortunately, that means finding a place and simultaneously deciding if that place should be in Oklahoma (and if so then where) or not (and if not then where). Right now San Antonio sounds nice. I was having a conversation with a friend recently and talking about my lack of desire to continue working in the home décor market, and she said that it sounded like I enjoy retail but not the specific subset that I am in, so maybe I should try a bookstore. This struck me as infinitely wise, and I immediately checked if a nearby Half Price Books was hiring. They aren’t, but the one in San Antonio is. Thus, San Antonio sounds lovely–also I just like it in general. It’s a beautiful place and I love the vibes.
While researching jobs and apartments in SA, I found references to open library positions. Suddenly, a Master’s in Library Science and Information Technologies sounds awesome. I should go to grad school.
I keep bouncing from one idea to another. Something sounds brilliant and wonderful and exactly what I want to do, and a few weeks (or days, or hours) later, I’m off on some other dream chasing excursion. And all the while, the clock is ticking. But the clock is an illusion. At least in part.
I just want to do so many things. I’m just chasing falling stars, but I feel like I’ll never catch any of them if I can’t pick one.