20 Something: Serial Online Dater

So, last weekend I mentioned quite offhand how I have been rather popular lately since I rejoined online dating. Then I mentioned with far more excitement that it will soon be time for me to leave that scene. Again.

Every 2-3 months, I get bored or lonely and I decide to give online dating a shot again. I know exactly how it will end, but hey, I’m an optimist. Or a glutton for frustration.

After a short time, I give up. Again.

By happenstance, I found this video on one of my current favorite YouTube channels SupDaily06 about why the channel owner (Chris) quitting online dating. Granted the video is nearly two years old at this point, and I’m guessing from his later videos that he started online dating again, but I feel it’s worth sharing because I have a similar mentality.

Here’s how my experience with online dating goes:

1.) Join the site(s)

Generally, I just use Tinder because I like the clean app layout, and I love that only people I match with can contact me. I once joined Plenty of Fish for 30 minutes and had to immediately delete it because I hadn’t finished filling out the profile before I had 20 messages and an absurd amount of “so-and-so would like to meet you!” (from POF’s Meet Me feature which is sort of like Hot or Not).

I’m also really happy that Tinder removed the Moments feature, but I’m a little disappointed that they’ve added info for where people work and where they went to school. Luckily that can be removed or I would have been deleting the app immediately. There are weirdos out there.

2.) Swipe

If I’m being completely honest (and I try to always do that with you guys) the superficial nature of the site is also appealing. I rein in those tendencies in the real world, but it feels nice for limited times to indulge that less than stellar quality.

I get crazy picky. If there’s no bio at all, it’s an instant left swipe. Two or fewer pictures: left. Only group shots: left. Not cute: left. Anything mentioning why people shouldn’t swipe right: left. Pictures involving dead animals: left. Mention of height: not an automatic left, but it’s more likely. Mention of only wanting to hook up: left.

I actually really like those last people because they make it easy for me to say no automatically. Saves time by eliminating the guesswork.


3.) Match with people

It’s a huge ego boost for me that nearly every person I swipe right on ends up being a match. Not that it really means anything, but it makes me feel pretty.

Of course, this is also a lot of why I am so damn picky and superficial on this site. Even with the small number of thumbs up I give out, by the end of two days I have too many matches to deal with because of the next step.

4.) Wait for messages to roll in

I never message first because I don’t have to. Even without ever making the first move, I have more conversations going on at one time than I really want to deal with.

I have wondered if this tactic is what keeps me from meeting the really great people. Maybe they have the same issue so they don’t message first, either? Unfortunately, I don’t have the energy to find out.

Towards the end of a stint on this site, I won’t even reply to messages like “Hi” or “How’s it going?” or “You’re really beautiful.” This also sounds superficial, but again, I have my reasons.

Namely, people who begin conversations like this on Tinder generally are not able to follow it up with anything approaching a real conversation. When I first started online dating, I gave pretty much everyone a chance. I quickly learned that was a waste of time. And I hate wasting time. Part of why I’m doing the online dating is because I don’t have a lot of that lying around.

5.) Meet a couple of people

I generally end up with a few in-person meet ups during a Tinder stint. It is incredibly rare for these to make it to a second meeting or a real date. Why? A few things immediately come to mind:

1) No chemistry. As Chris mentioned in his video: “I know you can’t survive on spark alone, but for me, I can’t survive without the spark.” I’m right there with you, bro.

2) The pictures were at least three years old. This is not necessarily a deal breaker but it makes me feel lied to.

3) Unable to hold a conversation through the meeting.

These are just generalizations, but I don’t feel like ratting on anyone by going into specifics.

6.) Get frustrated

By this point, I am tired of meeting people who are nothing like their messages (seriously, do some of these people get their friends to write them?) and I am tired of being social.

Online dating is exhausting. And while it is arguably less time consuming than routinely going out to meet people in the real world, it does still take quite a bit of time.

I run a blog. I work full-time. I take freelance work. I knit. I have friends who want to hang out. I have family who like to see me occasionally. Je fais les choses!

Online Dating is exhausting.

7.) Delete the app

It usually takes me about a week to get over the whole thing. I sometimes feel bad about deleting it because there will inevitably be at least one person who has been talking to me but hasn’t worked up the nerve (or possibly desire) to meet me in person or exchange numbers or Facebook info.

So, to those people that I have just disappeared on at this stage, I really do apologize. And somewhere there is a lady out there far better for you than I.

En fin

So that’s why I’m deleting my online dating profile. Again.

Will I ever start it up again? I used to say no. That I was done for good. Now I know better. So, I’ll just say that I’ll probably be back on there in a few months.

Now I know, with such a stunning lack of success, I’m probably doing something wrong. Maybe the problem is me. I’m certainly not discounting that idea. However, I prefer to think that online dating just isn’t for me. Or maybe dating just isn’t for me, which I talk about in this video while wrapping Christmas presents.

And that’s OK, too.


4 thoughts on “20 Something: Serial Online Dater

  1. 30's Dater says:

    Your pros and cons should be far more strict than that! What about age? height? career? education? religion? background? body type? Ability to format a sentence? Until you have put down exactly what you want on paper you will continue running in circles.


    • jenovotony says:

      The graphic is just snap judgement guidelines for Tinder (which gives very little info to go on because it’s crazy superficial). But I agree that a lot of that comes into play later when messaging people to determine actual compatability.


  2. Lunar says:

    I totally understand where you’re coming from on this. I get sick of online dating sometimes, too. But in defense of Tinder (because I love to play Devil’s Advocate), bad dates are a possibility no matter where you met someone. I’ve been on a few dates now with a really nice guy and every time I tell people that I met him on Tinder they just gawk at me like I found a mythical unicorn. So its mostly about luck and timing and at the very least Tinder gives you a large pool of people to choose from. Good luck!


    • jenovotony says:

      I think you definitely have to be in the right state of mind for online dating, and I’m really thinking that I’m just not there. Glad to hear someone is having some luck with it though 🙂


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