I thought I could be friends with my ex. But apparently I’m just really good at lying to myself where he is concerned. I realized last night that I can’t do it.
It was stupid really. He doesn’t use Facebook much, but on Christmas Eve, a girl posted a photo of them together and tagged him. Then, she did it again the next day, so I’m assuming she stayed the night.
It shouldn’t bother me. He lives over 1500 miles away, and it’s been over between us for a while. Longer than either of us admitted really. But it does bother me.
I tried to just observe the feelings. Let the angst and longing run its course and go on with life as usual. But I realized rather quickly that wasn’t going to work. Trying to be zen and remember all the good things about my life isn’t enough here.
I have to let him go. Cut the cord. Remove him from my life.
I can’t be friends with my ex.
When he first moved, he texted me a lot. The frequency has been decreasing for a while, and I guess she’s the reason. Which is fine. It’s as it should be (even though she’s way too young for him, but whatever). He needs to have a life in his new city. Just like I need to have a life here.
I didn’t make a clean break, though. I said goodbye as though it was only temporary. I held on to this idea of staying friends as if I somehow needed him to be in my life. I still couldn’t cut the ties completely. Now I need to.
I deleted him on Facebook. I know that’s not a huge thing, but it’s a step. I won’t delete his number, but I won’t reach out to him, either. I haven’t decided yet if it’s best to just ignore any messages from him in the future or tell him about my decision if he tries to reach out to me. Part of me wonders if he’ll even notice and/or care. Part of me doesn’t give a s**t.
In a way, I’m also doing this for him. He put serious strain on our relationship by keeping in touch with the girl he dated before me. They had been together for four years, so this made me uncomfortable. The fact that she basically asked him for confirmation that they were never getting back together before saying yes to her fiancé also made me a bit leery of their “friendship.”
I don’t want to be that issue for his future relationships, and I refuse to let him be that issue for mine. I don’t want to be that girl who can’t let go.
So, this is me, letting go.
Edit: Right after I finished writing this, I talked to a friend of mine about it, and our conversation made me realize something else very important about this situation: Friends are supposed to make you happy.
I spent an hour talking to her (not just about my ex) and at the end of it, I was feeling much happier and doing less dwelling on the past.
Talking to my ex doesn’t make me feel happy. I get nostalgic or thoughtful, but never happy. Honestly, most of our “conversations” leave me feeling frustrated at best.
And what is the point of being “friends” with someone if they don’t make you happy? I’m not saying that’s their sole purpose in life, but if you don’t feel uplifted by the people around you at least most of the time, why are they even in your life?
So, basically, I’m feeling really good about this decision now. I think it’s definitely the right thing for both of us, but mostly for me because honestly, worrying about him isn’t in my job description. I wish him well, but I really don’t care to find out if that wish comes to fruition.
Disclaimer: I am notorious for going back on things like this, so this is how I feel right now, in this moment, but I reserve the right to change my mind later. I really think I’m ready to tell him goodbye for good, though.